Intolerable Agitation

I am an attention grabber, not because I am handsome or a hunk, but because I get agitated with inconsiderate people blocking everyone's way in train, bus, shopping mall and on the streets, agitated enough to express it in action of hurried gesture and frustration with ever growing impatience.

I know this is not good for my heart, especially when I have recently been admitted to hospital for irregular heartbeat. Yes, my agitation and impatience have taken their toll on me. With my desire to always be considerate and to put others first before me, I have expected too much of others to do likewise, and in this, I have been constantly disappointed to the point of agitation.

It appears I am one who does not know how to take things easy, and with the high expectation I set for myself, I have been miserably mistaken and over confident to expect the general mankind to recipocrate. All I learn daily is that rather than responding in kind, people take advantage and become even more inconsiderate. To give in to their abuse however is pushing me to the limit, and I am breaking down, not knowing how to enjoy or live my life while I am still here on earth.

Life is full of disappointments, and it is too much to expect much from others. Maybe I should care less and behave like the inconsiderates, but then it is against all I hold fast to and believe in, and I cannot, because not only is it against my principles, but it is just not me.

Teach me, therefore, O Lord, to stay calm in the midst of agitation, not expect too much of others, and to live life peaceably in co-existence with people of different cultures and different behavior.

Running and Rushing

I have been running and rushing my entire life. I rush to catch the bus, I rush to catch the train, I rush to get to work, and I rush to get home. Few are the moments I have paused to catch my breath or to take an extended break (except maybe once a year), a sure sign of an impending breakdown, and possibly, a prelude to a heart attack.

Not many years ago, God decided that I should take a rest, and rest I did, first in hospital for a surgery, then at home for recovery. During that one month, I learnt to be still before God and to be at peace. I knew with all the rush, I have gained nothing much, except in jeopardizing my own health.

When I finally recovered, I was back once again to my rushing game, rushing to clear my studies, and rushing to clear my work. Till this day, although I have completed my studies, I have yet to learn how to completely rest, without feeling unrest or guilty of wasting away my free time. Maybe I am too conscious about time, or maybe subconsciously I have hardened myself in understanding the need to spend my time meaningfully. For long ago, I have understood and held fast one fact, to be accountable for my time and days on earth, as the Bible said ...

Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. (Psalm 90:12 NIV)

Yet, I know and understand ...

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: (Ecclesiastes 3:1 NIV)

For God ...

... has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil -- this is the.gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him. Whatever is has already been, and what will be has been before; and God will call the past to account. (Ecclesiastes 3:11-15 NIV)

Self Appraisal

The following verses describe my story and my feelings as God is speaking to me ...

"Behold you have admonished many, And you have strengthened weak hands. Your words have helped the tottering to stand, And you have strengthened feeble knees.

But now it has come to you, and you are impatient; It touches you, and you are dismayed. Is not your fear of God your confidence, And the integrity of your ways your hope?"

~ Job 4:3-6 (NAS) ~