All about life living in Singapore. A fan of Spider-Man with interest in blogging, social media, traveling, movies, comics, music, writing and whatever else you can think of ... I'm the SpideY of former www.moblog.com.sg.
My wife and I visited the Holy Land in December 2013. Among the first things we observed about the people in the group we were traveling with was whenever we arrived at the hotel, a number of them would immediately ask about the availability of Wi-Fi. Depending on the revelation, we would hear sighs of relief or disappointment. Thankfully, most of the hotels we stayed in had Wi-Fi. During the few days of snow storm, many of us depended on the Wi-Fi to help us pass the time. Not all the hotels we stayed in, however, had Wi-Fi in the rooms. When that happened, we would hear grumblings and on occasions observe some expressions of unhappiness. On a day when the Wi-Fi signal was weak, we would also hear conversations about the problem during dinnertime. In an affluent society, we sometimes tend to take for granted what we have and complain about things that are trivial. We are unhappy when our laptop or computer hangs on us. We are unhappy when Wi-Fi is not available at a time we need it. We are unhappy when something we wish to purchase is sold out or taken off the shelf. We are unhappy to have to wait in line or for the traffic signal to turn green. We are unhappy our goals are taking longer to achieve than we expect. We are unhappy with many things and with people who keep us in check. Some time ago, a charitable organization, Water is Life, featured in an ad campaign, Haitian children and adults reading the ‘complaints’ of first world problems. “I hate when I tell them no pickles, and they still give me pickles,” said a boy standing among pigs and chickens. “I hate it when my house is so big, I need two wireless routers,” said a man standing in front of a dilapidated house. Nearing the end of the one-minute video entitled ‘First World Problems Anthem,’ a message in text was displayed: #FirstWorldProblems Are Not Problems. Are we among those who grumble and complain about trivial problems, such as the inconveniences in life? Do we ever give some thought to the needs of the people around us or to those in the third world? Are we thankful and grateful for the things we have?
As if being least emotional nation in the world was not enough, Singapore has claimed yet another title - we are the most unhappy one as well.
That's according to international pollster Gallup, at least.
Based on a poll of nearly 150,000 people worldwide conducted in 2011 - the same one that branded Singapore as emotionless - Gallup's reading into the results put Singapore at the top of the list of countries where the fewest adults experienced positive emotions.
Singaporeans were apparently less upbeat than the people in places like Iraq, Yemen, Afghanistan and Haiti.
Late divorces: Till an empty nest do us part By Theresa Tan
Women have long put up with unhappy marriages for any number of reasons, but they are increasingly voting with their feet, dumping unloved husbands and putting matrimonial misery behind them.
A steadily growing number of unions that have lasted for decades have broken up in the past 20 years, as women become more emboldened to bail out after their children have grown up.
According to the latest 2010 statistics, 1,390 couples who were married for 20 or more years ended their marriages - four times more than the 346 pairs who did so in 1990.
These long-married pairs made up about 20 per cent of all divorcing couples in 2010 - almost double the 11 per cent in 1990.
Background story 'CHILDREN TOLD ME TO LEAVE HIM'
Martha (not her real name), a retired civil servant in her 60s, endured 38 years of marriage before leaving her frequently unemployed and 'verbally abusive' husband, now 70. Her two children, now in their 30s, encouraged her to leave their dad two years ago.
'I met my ex-husband at a house party and I was attracted to him as he was tall, good-looking and charming.
We had disagreements about his frequent job-hopping when we were dating, but thinking he could change after marriage was the biggest mistake I made.
He is a very proud man. He has only O levels but fantasises that he is very highly educated and deserves to be in top positions. He could not hold onto jobs and could not support our family.
We often argued about money. It was a very heavy burden as I had to support our two children, my parents, his mother and his siblings on my pay of $600 to $800 in the 1970s. It was difficult to make ends meet.
He was always blaming me for everything that went wrong in his life. He used to shout, scream and scold me when things didn't turn out the way he wanted.
He was very abusive verbally but he never laid hands on me. He was nice to me only when he needed financial help. I tried to avoid him as far as possible to keep the peace.
Each time I thought of ending my marriage, I remembered my marriage vows and I would change my mind. I knew children in broken marriages suffered a lot, and didn't want my two kids to go through this trauma.
My religion, Christianity, also taught me that trials would strengthen me and one day, God would vindicate me.
So I went through life waiting for my children to grow up and be old enough to accept my decision to leave him.
Partly, I also pitied him and worried how he was going to fend for himself. I thought he might be mentally ill and that I should not abandon him.
About a year before the divorce in 2009, he was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, where sufferers have an inflated sense of self-importance, but he refused to go for follow-up treatment.
I realised then that I was fighting a losing battle. I had to try to get out or I would also suffer a breakdown. The verbal abuse was also getting intolerable.
My children also encouraged me to leave him. They said they would support and look after me now that they are able to do so. They too could not get along with him.
I'm happier now after the divorce because I don't have to live in fear. I also don't have to provide for him. There is so much peace now.
My hope is that one day, my children will forgive him and look after him in his old age.'
Theresa Tan
Background story PORN ADDICTION KILLED MARRIAGE
TJ's (not his real name) addiction to pornography and womanising destroyed his 25-year marriage to a human resources professional. They have two children, now in their early 20s. TJ has since remarried a divorcee in her 40s with one son.
'I discovered pornography when I was 15 and it became a hunger that could not be satisfied. Porn drained the intimacy from my marriage. It's like I have the best chicken rice on my plate but I'm constantly thinking of sushi and I can't enjoy my chicken rice. When I'm with my wife, pornographic thoughts would come to mind and I could not enjoy her for who she was.
It led to a hunger for sex outside of marriage that I needed to feed. My wife travelled quite a bit for work and out of loneliness, I would seek satisfaction from porn. I thought I could carry on a secret life without affecting my family.
About 20 years into my marriage, I started hooking up with women I met online. In the beginning, it was just sex. But things did not work out so black and white and I had an emotional connection with my second lover. My wife discovered the affair and was devastated. But she forgave me.
I felt sorry that I had hurt my wife. But I also felt trapped because if I was not married, I would be free to pursue this other relationship. Then I had thought the other woman could fill my emptiness.
My wife and I went for marital counselling and she demanded that I stop my affair immediately. I broke it off and things seemed to be OK.
But I still maintained friendships with other women whom I had met online. This led to many fights with my wife which were very ugly and painful.
After three years of this, my wife felt it was unbearable to live with me. She suggested a divorce, which saddened me. We had lived together for so long that I couldn't imagine living without her.
But I did not try to make her stay. I was waiting for myself to feel emotionally ready before I wooed her back. But before I got to that point, we would quarrel.
If I had done the right thing - regain her trust, change my ways and rebuild the marriage - regardless of how I felt, I could have salvaged the marriage.
The news of our divorce affected our children terribly. They were in their teens then and it came as a complete shock to them.
After my divorce, I started dating again but felt I should not remarry because of my problem.
But I had a breakthrough in 2005 when I converted to Christianity and finally managed to break my addiction to porn.
Now I can think about what to do for my family. I see it as my duty to protect my relationships. I try to resolve any issues with my wife so that the relationship is not strained.'
We frequently see expressions of anger and sometimes experience flare-up too. We get angry when someone breaks a promise or when we are unable to get what we want. We also get angry because we fail to meet our own expectation or because we do not measure up to perfection. We get frustrated at people when we see them do things we considered as undignified or deviant. We may even be unhappy for being angry with people and sometimes ourselves.
There are many reasons why we get angry but we must always understand that anger in itself is not wrong. What is wrong is dependent on whether we are angry for the right reasons.
The Greek philosopher Aristotle once said:
"Anyone can be angry - that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way - this is not easy."
The Bible talks about an anger that is righteous and holy, such as the holy anger of God:
And they have defiled My holy name by their abominations which they have committed. So I have consumed them in My anger. (Ezekiel 43:8b NAS)
In this verse, we realize even God gets angry too and He has the right to do so because He is a holy and righteous God Who cannot let His holy name be defiled by the sins of Man. Jesus Himself was angry and cast out the people who were buying and selling in the temple (Matthew 21:12-13; Mark 11:15-17). God must also have been angry when He sends an angel to strike Herod because he did not give God the glory (Acts 12:21-23).
As we can see from the narrative above, anger in itself is NOT sin. Anger can be holy and righteous if it is for the right reasons.
Most of us however are angry not because of holiness or righteousness. We often get angry without first investigating the truth or without considerations for the circumstances of others. Regardless whether we are Christians or not, we need to learn to be "quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger" (James 1:19 NAS). We may get angry and yet do not sin if we are angry for the right reasons. However, whether it is for the right or wrong reasons, our anger must always be kept in checked and not consume us or be carried forward to another day so that we do not sin.
This is what the Bible says about handling anger:
Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity. (Ephesians 4:25-16 NAS)
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you along with all malice. And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:31-32 NAS)
So when we get angry the next time, remember not to flare-up, but stay compose. Learn to forebear, investigate the truth, and be forgiving.
This approach however is not going to be easy, especially if you are not a Christian. To the non-believers, they must work really hard at self-control, and sometimes this method doesn't work too well for a person with a temper. For Christians, this can be cultivated quite easily because it comes natural with the indwelling of the Holy Spirit whose fruit is "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law." (Galatians 5:22-23 NAS).
If you desire to have the power to overcome sin and therefore anger, all you need to do is to acknowledge your sinfulness and invite Christ into your life, and He will freely give to you His Holy Spirit. Once you have received Jesus into your life, the Holy Spirit dwells in you, and you will be able with His power overcome the desire of the flesh.
In his epistle to the Galatians, Paul teaches:
... walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please. (Galatians 5:16-17)
Let us therefore who possess the Holy Spirit in us, not get angry unduly, remembering always not to let anger be brought forward to another day. Where forgiveness is necessary, confess and reconcile with the other party within the same day, and DO NOT let anger accumulate, because it can consume us to the point of bitterness. Confess to God and acknowledge our sins if we have been angry for the wrong reasons, and let the Spirit of God Who dwells in us mold and change us as we walk in His word (The Holy Bible) daily.
