Divorce Numbers Up

From The Straits Times ... March 4, 2012.

Late divorces: Till an empty nest do us part
By Theresa Tan

Women have long put up with unhappy marriages for any number of reasons, but they are increasingly voting with their feet, dumping unloved husbands and putting matrimonial misery behind them.

A steadily growing number of unions that have lasted for decades have broken up in the past 20 years, as women become more emboldened to bail out after their children have grown up.

According to the latest 2010 statistics, 1,390 couples who were married for 20 or more years ended their marriages - four times more than the 346 pairs who did so in 1990.

These long-married pairs made up about 20 per cent of all divorcing couples in 2010 - almost double the 11 per cent in 1990.

Background story
'CHILDREN TOLD ME TO LEAVE HIM'

Martha (not her real name), a retired civil servant in her 60s, endured 38 years of marriage before leaving her frequently unemployed and 'verbally abusive' husband, now 70. Her two children, now in their 30s, encouraged her to leave their dad two years ago.

'I met my ex-husband at a house party and I was attracted to him as he was tall, good-looking and charming.

We had disagreements about his frequent job-hopping when we were dating, but thinking he could change after marriage was the biggest mistake I made.

He is a very proud man. He has only O levels but fantasises that he is very highly educated and deserves to be in top positions. He could not hold onto jobs and could not support our family.

We often argued about money. It was a very heavy burden as I had to support our two children, my parents, his mother and his siblings on my pay of $600 to $800 in the 1970s. It was difficult to make ends meet.

He was always blaming me for everything that went wrong in his life. He used to shout, scream and scold me when things didn't turn out the way he wanted.

He was very abusive verbally but he never laid hands on me. He was nice to me only when he needed financial help. I tried to avoid him as far as possible to keep the peace.

Each time I thought of ending my marriage, I remembered my marriage vows and I would change my mind. I knew children in broken marriages suffered a lot, and didn't want my two kids to go through this trauma.

My religion, Christianity, also taught me that trials would strengthen me and one day, God would vindicate me.

So I went through life waiting for my children to grow up and be old enough to accept my decision to leave him.

Partly, I also pitied him and worried how he was going to fend for himself. I thought he might be mentally ill and that I should not abandon him.

About a year before the divorce in 2009, he was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, where sufferers have an inflated sense of self-importance, but he refused to go for follow-up treatment.

I realised then that I was fighting a losing battle. I had to try to get out or I would also suffer a breakdown. The verbal abuse was also getting intolerable.

My children also encouraged me to leave him. They said they would support and look after me now that they are able to do so. They too could not get along with him.

I'm happier now after the divorce because I don't have to live in fear. I also don't have to provide for him. There is so much peace now.

My hope is that one day, my children will forgive him and look after him in his old age.'

Theresa Tan


Background story
PORN ADDICTION KILLED MARRIAGE

TJ's (not his real name) addiction to pornography and womanising destroyed his 25-year marriage to a human resources professional. They have two children, now in their early 20s. TJ has since remarried a divorcee in her 40s with one son.

'I discovered pornography when I was 15 and it became a hunger that could not be satisfied. Porn drained the intimacy from my marriage. It's like I have the best chicken rice on my plate but I'm constantly thinking of sushi and I can't enjoy my chicken rice. When I'm with my wife, pornographic thoughts would come to mind and I could not enjoy her for who she was.

It led to a hunger for sex outside of marriage that I needed to feed. My wife travelled quite a bit for work and out of loneliness, I would seek satisfaction from porn. I thought I could carry on a secret life without affecting my family.

About 20 years into my marriage, I started hooking up with women I met online. In the beginning, it was just sex. But things did not work out so black and white and I had an emotional connection with my second lover. My wife discovered the affair and was devastated. But she forgave me.

I felt sorry that I had hurt my wife. But I also felt trapped because if I was not married, I would be free to pursue this other relationship. Then I had thought the other woman could fill my emptiness.

My wife and I went for marital counselling and she demanded that I stop my affair immediately. I broke it off and things seemed to be OK.

But I still maintained friendships with other women whom I had met online. This led to many fights with my wife which were very ugly and painful.

After three years of this, my wife felt it was unbearable to live with me. She suggested a divorce, which saddened me. We had lived together for so long that I couldn't imagine living without her.

But I did not try to make her stay. I was waiting for myself to feel emotionally ready before I wooed her back. But before I got to that point, we would quarrel.

If I had done the right thing - regain her trust, change my ways and rebuild the marriage - regardless of how I felt, I could have salvaged the marriage.

The news of our divorce affected our children terribly. They were in their teens then and it came as a complete shock to them.

After my divorce, I started dating again but felt I should not remarry because of my problem.

But I had a breakthrough in 2005 when I converted to Christianity and finally managed to break my addiction to porn.

Now I can think about what to do for my family. I see it as my duty to protect my relationships. I try to resolve any issues with my wife so that the relationship is not strained.'

Theresa Tan

Art of Lasting Relationship

Some of us who are in a relationship may be wondering what the prospect is like to have a lasting marriage. Others may feel or think there is no need to be married to have a relationship since divorce is so common these days. Yet there are others who hesitate to enter into a relationship because of the many known broken marriages and their sad endings.

Marriage is all about the bonding of two becoming one. Separation causes split and the tearing away of one from the other, leaving each with only half. What has once been joined together, unfortunately, cannot become two again without hurting deep within and this usually lasts a lifetime. Remarriage, while our former half is still alive, often ends with the recurrence of a non lasting relationship that creates greater hurts than before. This is because true love once given cannot be returned without hurt, and life as we know it cannot remain the same.

Recently, I heard a sermon on 'Keys to a Fulfilling Marriage' by an itinerant preacher Raymond Davey from Sydney, Australia. He suggested three ways of keeping a marriage: Truth, Trust and Tolerance, and five actions we can take to keep a marriage: Communication, Commitment, Companionship, Communion, and Completeness. This article is adapted from the principles shared by him which I hope will help those who are planning marriage or are looking for answers to a fulfilling marriage.

Ways to Keep a Marriage

Truth is about a husband and wife always being truthful to each other. We must not hide the truth from our spouse and we must never lie. Being truthful is important because our spouses have been given the inner spirit to sense untruth, and this can give rise to a breakup.

Trust is about a husband and wife trusting each other. If a husband and wife fail to trust each other, a divorce may ensue. If a spouse is unfaithful or is faithless towards the other, his or her spirit must take heed not to break the faith.

Tolerance is about a husband and wife loving each other enough to tolerate and forebear each other's differences. Differences can come from the way we think about something, the way we do things, our behavior and other areas. These can tear relationships apart if mutual love and understanding are absent.

Actions to Take

Communication is about spending time with each other, with our children and the family. If we do not communicate and spend time with each other to have heart to heart talk and do things together, before long our presence will not be felt, and eventually we will be ignored.

Commitment is about sacrificial love. If we love our spouse, we will be ready to do anything for our spouse, even to lay down our lives.

Companionship is about being there for each other to have and to hold, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.

Communion is about our union in marriage, the dutiful honor within the marriage bed of undefiled wholesome union between man and wife only. Keeping this union undefiled and wholesome holds the key to a successful marriage.

Completeness is about keeping relationships prioritized in the following order: God, man and wife, family and children, work, ministry, and self.

No one likes a divorce, but that does not mean we should avoid marriage. We must take heed never to be faithless or to break faith or to deal treacherously. Marriage ties the two to become one flesh, so let all couples stay faithful to keep what has been joined together!